I made it into work both Monday and yesterday, only to be sidelined once again by a major panic attack towards the end of the day yesterday. It was one of the worst I’ve ever had, and I ended up calling my doctor twice thinking I might be having a heart attack from the new beta blocker I started taking yesterday morning (one of the new drugs I’m supposed to be taking to keep these panic attacks in check while I detox). Thank God (literally) that it was nothing more than a panic attack, but it still left me so weak and shaky that I couldn’t even carry my own bag. My coworker helped me out to a car, and I ended up dropping $30.00 on a taxi home since I was just not up to taking the train.

When I got home, one of Steph’s coworkers (and an amazing friend) brought over an incredible amount of groceries  from Whole Foods along with paper plates and plastic silverware, a movie, and two magazines, which is seriously the best birthday gift a girl could ask for. She made me steak (I don’t eat this often, but I couldn’t turn down such an awesome gift and free meal) with roasted zucchini and red pepper and a bunch of grapes on the side. It was delicious, and I felt like I was on vacation just having someone else bring this to me!

I cut it all up into little pieces, which Steph makes fun of me for 😉

Sep 1 - steak

She also brought a box of Kashi cereal, Back to Nature crackers, a block of Whole Foods goat cheese, bananas, an avocado, onion and tomato, a big box of spinach salad, 2 things of orange juice, a jug of apple juice, a carton of eggs, Amy’s pizza, Amy’s enchiladas, spinach ravioli, a Greek  spanakopita, chicken sausages, strawberries, cantaloupe, hummus, milk, grilled chicken and mac n’ cheese from the hot food bar, Lacey’s cookies, and a box full of little cakes for our b-day, all from Steph’s company. There’s nothing like the help of a friend (and a company!) who understands what it’s like just to have one less thing like cooking dinner and washing dishes to think about when you’re not feeling well.

Some of the groceries are outside of what we’re “supposed” to be eating right now, but it’s such an amazing gift that we’ll be using all of it. We froze the ravioli, sausages, cakes and cookies to use later and are going to make meals around the rest of it. It couldn’t come at a better time, too, because both of us are dead broke until our next paychecks come in later this month. The disaster at the last apartment put us seriously off track in our Total Money Makeovers, and having to start from scratch again has stretched our budgets to the last penny. We’ve been seriously, seriously, seriously lucky to have such great friends, family, coworkers, and bosses who have helped keep us afloat through all of this.

Steph and I have been eating a lot of soup and salads while we’ve been cooking for ourselves since neither of us feels up to making actual meals.

This one was a spinach salad with cherry tomatoes from my landlord’s garden, slivered almonds, and avocado. We used olive oil and salt and pepper for dressing and ate this along side Amy’s Split Pea soup.

Aug 31 - salad 1

We also mixed the spinach with Foxy Organics romaine, more of the tomatoes and almonds, and carrots and quinoa and ate this with Amy’s Tuscan Bean and Rice soup.

Aug 31 - salad

I also took my first detox bath last night, which my doctor prescribed to help rid the neurotoxins. I started by brushing myself with a natural veggie bristle brush away from the heart, then drew a hot bath with  2 cups of Epsom Salts and 1 cup of Bob’s Red Mill baking soda swirled in and soaked for 10 minutes. I drank 2 large glasses of cold lemon water while I was in the tub to stay hydrated and also help flush the toxins out. When I was done, I definitely felt weak and sleepy like they said I would. But I also felt really, really good and wasn’t in serious pain for the first time in weeks. I’m going to take one every night for the next few weeks while I rid myself of all these toxins, and I hope I can make this a regular part of my week.

I put Steph in a detox bath of 2 cups Epsom Salt, 2 cups Hydrogen Peroxide, and a couple dashes of ground ginger today to help with her flu and toxin issues, and she said it helped.  

I’m in a really difficult situation right now, where I’m not sure what my next move needs to be. I’ve been doing my best to keep pushing through illness, financial stress, and all the obstacles that come my way. And earlier this year it seemed like it was really working. But this summer I feel like I’ve been slammed with one wave of problems after another, first with the bed bug crises – which cost us upwards of $4,000 combined when I add up our intial security deposit and moving fees in April plus the extermination fees we spent in July plus ANOTHER security deposit and more moving costs just to leave that apartment not to mention the physical, mental, and emotional cost of going through that – and now with a never ending flu and the toxin issues that have both me and Steph sidelined from work feeling almost as worse as we ever have.

I know that realistically, I am past my breaking point and the only real solution is a long, long time off of work to focus on getting better. But I also know there’s no way to pull that off when I’m responsible for rent, groceries, medicine, vitamins and supplements, doctor bills, utilities, and more and an extended leave would probably mean no way of covering all of these costs. Both Steph and I are considering the possibility of moving out of New York to an “easier” city, but I’m also not sure how I can do that when the stress of moving and getting a new job would most likely be worse than any of the stress I’m facing now. And getting a new job in general would be tough, because they’d have to allow me to take more sick days than the average person. The option of moving “back home” is an escape hatch I’d kill for right now if there was a “back home” to move to.

So right now, the question of “what to do” is keeping me up at nights, and I still don’t have a real solution. I know that God provides for all things and that hard times are an opportunity to build strength and character. And he’s clearly shown us this all along. But right now I have some decisions to make and I don’t have the answer. I know someday I’ll look back on all of this and say thank you that I made it through and am feeling better than ever. But man oh man is it hard when I’m in the middle of it.

Next Steps:

  • Detox, detox, detox
  • Buy a bed
  • Re-start my Total Money Makeover
  • Re-evaluate, re-prioritize, cut out what isn’t necessary, and move forward!